Archive for

Thank you Mary, your presence and guidance filled me.  

I have been surprised by my emotions

I wish I could explain it better than that

but I can only say 

my feelings have taken me totally by surprise

they hold ransom my body

leaving me breathless

and alive

wholly revealed

I tell myself

“stay with this,

here and now.

You have no guarantee of anything;

don’t even have hope.

Just stay here

live in the surprise

the wellspring is here

in the crest of energy

that fills me”

So I stay

and am grateful for every

rise and fall

of new feeling.

I will be believe my gifts

are God given 

I will believe I have

a responsibility to use those gifts

I will believe that God is 

waiting to see what 

I make of the talents 

he has given me

Just for today 

I will use my talents 

with abandon and gratitude

Just for today

I will not be afraid

and bury my gifts

for fear of losing them

Just for today I will believe this 

to be true for me

I become so aware of my breath

I can no longer breathe

I judge myself on the quality of each inhale and exhale

too short,

too rushed

too anything

but right

Completely unaware, 

my body has a rhythm

all its own

and in harmony 

with the Greater rhythm

why is it that

when I try to

focus on it,

it escapes me?

Last weekend I met the mother of a child who has a “non-familial disautonomic” disorder.  I asked her what that meant, if she didn’t mind sharing, and how that manifested in her daughter. Feeling safe enough (her words) to talk, she told me that her daughter’s heart and lungs don’t operate in an automatic fashion, like everyone else’s body.  Truly, her daughter has a condition that few have, and those that have had it are not alive.  Her heart and lungs operate pretty much independently of each other, and do so at all now due to a machine that she is attached to 17 hours out of the day.  Despite this, the girl is charming and funny, and a living miracle.  There is no explanation for her condition nor for her being alive.  I have thought of this girl all week.  I take for granted my breath and my beating heart, and when I do pay attention to them, I feel panicked and struggle to hold that rhythm that comes so naturally most of the time.  This young girl and her family are constantly aware of the delicate nature of her breath and beating heart, and yet they live life so fully, truly grateful for everyday.  They have found a rhythm in their lives…a way to live aware of tenuousness of each moment, and yet so fully in the game.  I want to find that rhythm in my own life, where I am balanced perfectly between awe and expectancy, living each moment as if it were the only.

once too small 

to hold the beauty 

of this season

it has risen

created new boundaries

which expand on every exhale

and pause

just after the inhale

Everything is in that pause

recognition and wonder,

possibility and gratitude,

love and joy, 

and most deliberately,

peace

that peace 

of accepting fully

only what 

Is 

Last night I went out to dance.  It was the best time I have had in a long time. I felt connected and present and swept away.  This is how I want all of my life to be.

exhale

of the morning

light wakes slowly

I count my blessings

in drifts like leaves 

after the first fall storm

and am grateful most

for the intimacy 

of those who know me 

and love me still

it is an intimacy that comes

with time

and presence

a knowing born from sacrifice,

selflessness

and even effort

lived in the heart 

and listened to

then shared.

it is not

found in the easy 

rhythm

of body and breath

my spirit 

finds true comfort 

in the sharing

of simple pleasures

my soul makes home

in the hearts 

of  those who walk

beside me

and know me

as I know them…

anam cara