remodel

I am a changing space, constantly in flux, never quite done.  This past week my home has been in a bit of chaos.  I am simultaneously having my kitchen partially remodelled and having my dearest friends in Portland, a family of three, move into my home.  It’s one part experiment, one part dream, and a lot of wonder and possibility.  Oh, and a bit of anxiety and fear…  Will I get everything done before I leave for a week?   What am I going to do with the excess I have piled in the garage? Will the dust settle long enough for me to wash it away in one big cleaning frenzy?
 
This morning, I finally saw the parallel between the space I live in and the space that lives in me.  Both are changing…I am making room for new ways of being as I shed old ways of thinking.  But I haven’t been very kind to myself in the process.  I have been impatient and rude and full of judgement…pretty much self directed.  What is the purpose behind all this?  Why am I so hard on myself?  When did the voices of others get replaced by my own voice?
 
I am not sure, and I really don’t need an answer.  I need to change.. today….I will start with kind thoughts.  Once for Lent I gave up talking negatively about myself.  At the time, I had no idea how difficult this was going to be…It took moment to moment awareness; my negative  self talk was insidious. After 40 days of practice, I was a kinder person. Somehow my old patterns have crept back in.  Once again, one moment at a time, I will refrain from the self defeating talk. Just for today…I will be kind to myself….

regret

is the unexpected guest
in the loud Hawaiian shirt
seated at your breakfast table
 
hard to ignore…
 
this is a metaphor! Someone once asked me who the guy in the Hawaiian shirt was…..
 
 
I typically don’t regret things in my life, preferring to see my choices as simply that, choices. No value placed on them, unless they turn out particularly well or particularly bad.  Funny how when things turn out well, I feel so savvy. But when things turn out badly… I often feel the weight of regret even before I realize the outcome.  Regret shows up and there’s no talking it away…he’s there for the day…week…month…until I am worn thin and feel punished enough.  
There is a purpose behind regret though; for me, it’s the in my face reality that I have let myself down in a pretty big way.  Sucks…but it’s true.  
 
 

melancholy

I wish I could  feel

what I say that I know
but today I just don’t

A Piscean Funk

stack of mail unopened to even good news

and garden boxes ripe with weeds
laundry begging to be folded 
dishes pleading for their shelves
if Luka licks them are they clean enough?
I find comfort in those around me
with exit plans
shared a melancholy poem 
with no promise of hope
what I need is a witness
one with a sharp memory 
and a focused mind
someone whose eyes I trust
to tell me the truth
about my life
even bad news 
is better than doubt

Burned

do not worry

I will not call you out
or hate you
I will direct those thoughts inwardly
I am the foolish one
who continues to have faith
I am the open door
time and again
and again
and again
it’s not that I never learn
I know
I really know
but hope..
hope brands my soul
as it illuminates  
you
and everyone else
shining brightly
and painfully
all at once
I wish I could live
differently
but this 
is who I am

what love is

beyond explanation

what love isn’t

worry
expectation
fear
anger
frustration
shame
denial
pride
control
projection
selfish

On the flip side

funny how a few days can change everything…..

losing sight of my contentment
seeking equanimity 
as my parents visit me

a lighter path

I am feeling full these days, which is funny because I have been letting go of so much…  I having been shedding a host of “have-to’s” and miracle of miracles, I have room for so much more “good stuff.”  The best of which is connection and time with people I love.  Letting go can fill you up in ways you can’t imagine. 

In a previous life of mine…I seemed to have everything.  But the truth was I was lonely and empty.  The more I seemed to have, the worse I felt.  My load is lighter these days, so much lighter, and I am…. content. 

to be known

I was known completely

and loved anyway….
I am still known completely
…and still loved
Sometimes I forget this, and sometimes in small and great moments, I am overwhelmed again. Just as a scent can bring a flood of memories and visceral connection to a specific time and place, I can be overcome with a love for others I cannot explain.  And my love…it is but one grain of sand in a universe of sand to the love that I was given. I am entirely grateful for the gift of my knowing. There were and still are moments when I long for that suspended grace again, to be filled..to be emptied…to be known…to be loved.  The truth is, I am always there, I just fail to recognize it.  And the greater truth is..we are all there, and there is beyond enough love…no question about that.  I do not know why I was given this gift…no clue at all.  I certainly didn’t earn it, I didn’t create it, or even call it forth.  I couldn’t have…But I can share it, in truth we all can…always.  I know this…and yet I seem to need reminding.  Yesterday I was reminded…another blessing.