I am a changing space, constantly in flux, never quite done. This past week my home has been in a bit of chaos. I am simultaneously having my kitchen partially remodelled and having my dearest friends in Portland, a family of three, move into my home. It’s one part experiment, one part dream, and a lot of wonder and possibility. Oh, and a bit of anxiety and fear… Will I get everything done before I leave for a week? What am I going to do with the excess I have piled in the garage? Will the dust settle long enough for me to wash it away in one big cleaning frenzy?
This morning, I finally saw the parallel between the space I live in and the space that lives in me. Both are changing…I am making room for new ways of being as I shed old ways of thinking. But I haven’t been very kind to myself in the process. I have been impatient and rude and full of judgement…pretty much self directed. What is the purpose behind all this? Why am I so hard on myself? When did the voices of others get replaced by my own voice?
I am not sure, and I really don’t need an answer. I need to change.. today….I will start with kind thoughts. Once for Lent I gave up talking negatively about myself. At the time, I had no idea how difficult this was going to be…It took moment to moment awareness; my negative self talk was insidious. After 40 days of practice, I was a kinder person. Somehow my old patterns have crept back in. Once again, one moment at a time, I will refrain from the self defeating talk. Just for today…I will be kind to myself….
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A wonderful serenity has taken possession of my entire soul, like these sweet mornings of spring which I enjoy with my whole heart. I am alone, and feel the charm of existence in this spot, which was created for the bliss of souls like mine. I am so happy, my dear friend, so absorbed in the exquisite sense of mere tranquil existence, that I neglect my talents. I should be incapable of drawing a single stroke at the present moment; and yet I feel that I never was a greater artist than now.