remodel

I am a changing space, constantly in flux, never quite done.  This past week my home has been in a bit of chaos.  I am simultaneously having my kitchen partially remodelled and having my dearest friends in Portland, a family of three, move into my home.  It’s one part experiment, one part dream, and a lot of wonder and possibility.  Oh, and a bit of anxiety and fear…  Will I get everything done before I leave for a week?   What am I going to do with the excess I have piled in the garage? Will the dust settle long enough for me to wash it away in one big cleaning frenzy?
 
This morning, I finally saw the parallel between the space I live in and the space that lives in me.  Both are changing…I am making room for new ways of being as I shed old ways of thinking.  But I haven’t been very kind to myself in the process.  I have been impatient and rude and full of judgement…pretty much self directed.  What is the purpose behind all this?  Why am I so hard on myself?  When did the voices of others get replaced by my own voice?
 
I am not sure, and I really don’t need an answer.  I need to change.. today….I will start with kind thoughts.  Once for Lent I gave up talking negatively about myself.  At the time, I had no idea how difficult this was going to be…It took moment to moment awareness; my negative  self talk was insidious. After 40 days of practice, I was a kinder person. Somehow my old patterns have crept back in.  Once again, one moment at a time, I will refrain from the self defeating talk. Just for today…I will be kind to myself….

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