I am coming to the comfortable conclusion that I am not a “believer.” While I believe there is a God, an Energy,… He, It, She is not the God I imagined most of my life. And imagine is indeed what I have been doing. What had drawn me to worship was a sense of community…what had drawn me to God..was fear and a desperate need to be feel safe.
Only I do not feel safe. Nor do I need to. What I need is to know myself and live openly in that. I have written before of my “meeting God.” I do believe that I did come to experience God’s love…that for me is not in doubt or question. What is no longer my belief is that there is one path out, a Savior, a need to be Saved, Hell and for that matter Heaven, Judgement with a capital “J”, those in God’s favor, those not in God’s favor. I have come to see my religion as a myth….a story I was told to explain all that couldn’t be explained. A story so old and passed down so many times that it no longer resembles the original.
What I do believe? That everything is connected; that we should love each other; that “enlightenment” happens when we are alive and awake in the moment …it can happen over and over again in small moments, or in longer moments; that I am more concerned with how I live, than what will happen when I die.
I am tired. I am tired in a way that I have not ever been….like woman in a bad marriage who has tried everything she knew to save it, only to come to the conclusion that it couldn’t be saved and wasn’t wise to keep trying. I am not bitter or even disappointed truly. But I am exhausted and I need some time to recover.