“We never really encounter our world, all we experience is our own nervous system”
I have walked many miles in the last week. Luka hasn’t had this much exercise in a awhile. I cannot help myself. For the last week I have taken two walks a day…each hours long. There is no point to them really. What I feel is a need not to be in the space I am, and my physical body is literally trying to escape. But like the axiom says…”Wherever you go, there you are.” And no matter how far I walk, I cannot leave behind the thoughts in my head. In long distance running it has been said that the most difficult distance to cover is the space between your ears. It’s true.
Last night I could not sleep, overwhelmed with the lot of my life. I stayed up reading the introduction to Easwaran’s edition of The Bhagavada Gita. It’s where I found the quote above. My nervous system is reactively experiencing the world right now, with the perceptions that our mine alone, from a history that is mine alone. There is comfort in knowing that my world view is a conditioned response of sorts. A condition I can influence. Which is what I am working to do. I am not sure of the “how” part of this…but it’s unimportant right now. I”m focusing on the “what” piece in this moment.
what I lack in ambition
I make up for in self loathing
“You never step in the same river twice.”
Heraclitus of Ephesus
Went on a hike in the gorge today…a very small one after a long drive. I’ve walked a lot this week, and needed to cover a distance my feet wouldn’t take me alone. It’s been a troubling week. The truth is, it’s been a long summer. Seems I am waiting for summer to end like it’s some bad flu. This too will pass. Only I want the passing of time to mean something…or even more, have something tangible to show for it. Maybe that’s not even possible. I guess I want to look back, and feel glad about where I am now. I’m not there yet.
“There is love of course. And then there’s life, its enemy”
It is not that I had lost my intuition
I had just chosen not to listen to it
I might take some time to understand why that was so
I hate putting a collar and a leash on Luka…it feels like a betrayal.
It is easier for me to hear to the truth, even when it is painful, than it is to hear a lie. And yet I struggle when I must tell the truth when I fear that I might hurt another’s feeling. I wish that life was easier…
clash with the cramped corners of my small brain….
“Smart people make really stupid decisions all the time.” overheard at the taqueria yesterday
I wish it were possible to make plans and then immediately see the outcome of them BEFORE the plans took place. Of course that’s not possible…but wouldn’t it be nice? I often make decisions without thinking through all the details. Most of the time, this has served me well. Lately it hasn’t. At a time when I should be getting wiser, I feel less so.
Presently I have no way of even figuring out the questions I need to ask to answer the bigger question of “what to do?” Yesterday I briefly journeyed for some help, but found myself anxious and unable to even frame a question. Instead I asked for peace and found the still , quiet corner of my mind and rested there. It helped tremendously. Only now, the next morning, my mind is reeling again. back to the quiet place I will go….
“Riches prick us with a thousand troubles in getting them, as many cares in preserving them, and yet more anxiety in spending them, and with grief losing them.” St. Francis
I’m working towards having less. It’s so much easier when there is less to take care of. Today my niece came and cleared out of my garage some furniture and household items I’ve been saving for her. It’s a burden to see my garage full of extra stuff. I like to think of myself as living simply, but there are so many ways that I am not. The garage is a reminder.
This next month I am devoting energy to shedding even more. More stuff, more have-tos, more in general. Today I found the time to make it to yoga class. It was nice to have the an hour and a half to move and notice my body. It’s been a long time and I relished every asana and every breathe, even the ones that were uncomfortable. It was great just to be aware. Hard to be aware when you’ve got a mountain of distraction before you.
Today as I drove into school I was especially observant. I noticed things today that I never had before, and I make the same drive four days a week. But today, I was free from worry, free from the pressure of work to be done. I had completed all my projects for the end of the semester and I felt unburdened and awake. I was able to be fully in the moment as I had no pesky thoughts reminding me of work to be done or things I had to do. I have felt this feeling twice this past week and it has been wonderful. I want more of it.
I hear the rain against the bamboo leaves
and remember the forest deep in Manoa Valley
where bamboo grows so wide my hands cannot reach around
and the sound of wind moving through them
wakens even the oldest of spirits
I hear the rain and remember too
the walk to the U … bare footed
as my slippers slapped mud up my calves
the pavement was cool
and my heels calloused
I hear the rain
as I have a hundred nights before
but tonight it falls so softly
I can smell the plumeria
and taste the salt in the air..
and I remember when I was but a girl
quiet and unsure
with plans that would never come to be
how it is that I am here
listening to the rain.