It is raining in Portland…the beginning of “the rain.” The rain that will last until May. I am not ready for it yet…I want to have a summer redo…one where I go hiking and find a lonely spot on the river to spend the day. It wasn’t a bad summer, it just wasn’t an easy one, and as I return to school I feel unrested and scattered.
Today I woke up late having failed to set my alarm clock properly. I am only grateful for the extra time…time I didn’t allow myself but unconsciously made. Sometimes I imagine my body is an office run by a very efficient secretary…She’s wise and practical and always a step ahead. She works so well that no one even notices her. Today, I did. This inner spirit has protected me, held my hand…waited for me to be well again and stand alone. And tonight when I return home…I will find a way to thank her.
has quietly stepped in
like a late congregant
with little notice;
the emotion of it
never once being fully realized
too much heaviness
too much grey
it is a relief almost
that I can no longer be
by the lack of
what might have been
There is hope
in every new season
and I now find comfort
in handknit sweater vests
and wool socks
these things I can be sure of
I will pull from
the vines that never
and wait to see what
She is always
moving as She should
even if I fail
to notice Her
…this season I will
find the time to know Her
to let go…to allow to leave..to release…free from attachment
Some things are easier to let go of than others. Depression is not one of them. It is an anchor, chained to me. The more I struggle to free myself, the more exhausted I become. I have let myself fall into it deeply, hoping it will loosen it’s grip for just a moment, but the weight only becomes heavier. I am at a loss for how I am to pull myself out of this.
New day. Yesterday I arrived home after more than a week away. My beautiful dog was so happy to see me, and I just as equally happy to see her. We have already settled into our comfortable routine.
I went through the mail very quickly last night. Mostly bills…but also a reminder to schedule my pap smear. This morning the reality of my health faced me squarely. I am too stressed, too sad, too filled with negative self talk to support a healthy body. So once again….I start over. As much as I struggle with being here, there is still beauty and love to be found and had.
I had a good round of laughter with a friend this morning. I found myself laughing out loud and at times uncontrollably. Last summer I incorporated humor into my healing routine. I watched funny movies, talked to my smart and quick witted friends…while I meditated and juiced and practiced yoga daily. I was able to heal my body then. And I came to understand that health and healing is a constant journey. I was lucky. Now I have to be smart.
There are things I tell no one..
they haunt me in my sleep
and find me in the morning
raw and alone
my dreams are more real than my days
and I awake rest less
having battled what I cannot face
today my body is a shadow
and my nerves cast a long but broken line against
I am afraid of being discovered
For all that I am not
I am but a cold whisper
I have been away from home now for nine days. It’s funny how when I’m away from all “my stuff” I realize how truly little I need to be content. I have been reading a good book, I talked and/or texted with my children several times, I even have gone running five days in a row and walked…and walked. There is nothing better for my soul than a good walk. Although one morning out on the water with John, the sea spray hit my face and I felt this innate kinship with the water that I had forgotten somehow. It is home for me as well.
Three days before I left for this trip I sent my youngest child off to college. For the first time in twenty years I am alone. It is hard to get to used to. I find myself focusing on the needs of others, and then tell myself…no…you only need to take care of yourself. I am without obligation to spouse or child and I have to tell you…it is nice. I have slept more in the last week than I have ever have in my life time. Truly. I have gone without sleep for years for a variety reasons, but primarily because I lacked the ability to balance my needs against those those of my family. It was an easy choice and one I would likely make again. But today, no choice needs to be made and I am at once relieved and exhausted…having found myself holding back a flood of tears more than once.
I am wanting to be home…wondering what I can create for myself…wondering who I am alone…who I choose to become…I really do not know who I am anymore. I am the stranger in my own life…the one I am to meet and come to know.
“All the lives I could ever live, all the people I will never know, never will be, they are everywhere. That is all that the world is.” Aleksandar Hemon
Spending the day in an easy rhythm moving between the kitchen and the bedroom…cooking and napping. I did take some time outside to read in the sun and lounge with the dogs I am watching. I have missed my own girl Luka very much, but an early morning run with Maya, a sweet natured Australian Shepherd, filled a bit of that void. I am in Bellingham right now, after a weekend of tango in Seattle. The dancing was delicious and reminded me that I am alive. I say that with joy, not self pity or melancholy. Tango pulls me into the present and out of my head. There is nothing better than sharing a moment with someone, really connecting, even briefly. It is a taste of what it is that we all desire. At least it is what I desire.
This past weekend left me reflecting on what it is that I desire from my life. In fact it was a question I was asked by someone. I found myself searching for words to explain what I know for myself. That “this” is what I want. Today, the moment, being open and present with my self or with another…this.. at its best. I desire nothing binding or closed handed, nothing with rules or shoulds, or projections, or even a plan. Nothing more than today.
I am sitting in a coffeehouse down the street from my brother’s house. Next to me is a father and son sharing a piece of pie, talking about school and life…another couple in the corner behind me are talking business…the barista is washing dishing…and I am here in this..listening and writing, sharing this space with people I will never know but for in this moment and it is sweet. This is what I want.
I do not live my life irresponsibly or unintelligently…it was implied this weekend that I might just be doing that. I do think about tomorrow, have goals and work towards them. I aspire “to be” something…but I do not sacrifice this moment for the bigger world view of what is suppose to be. I cannot toe the line anymore. I have done that for so many years. I did all the right things, showed up and crossed off the list that society gives you…only to find myself exhausted and lonely. I have since found my way of being in moments of honest conversation with myself and God and those who share their lives with me. I make no excuses; show up only when I know I can; and spend many quiet moments alone. There is nothing else that I desire.