by dnb on September 2, 2009
“All the lives I could ever live, all the people I will never know, never will be, they are everywhere. That is all that the world is.” Aleksandar Hemon
Spending the day in an easy rhythm moving between the kitchen and the bedroom…cooking and napping. I did take some time outside to read in the sun and lounge with the dogs I am watching. I have missed my own girl Luka very much, but an early morning run with Maya, a sweet natured Australian Shepherd, filled a bit of that void. I am in Bellingham right now, after a weekend of tango in Seattle. The dancing was delicious and reminded me that I am alive. I say that with joy, not self pity or melancholy. Tango pulls me into the present and out of my head. There is nothing better than sharing a moment with someone, really connecting, even briefly. It is a taste of what it is that we all desire. At least it is what I desire.
This past weekend left me reflecting on what it is that I desire from my life. In fact it was a question I was asked by someone. I found myself searching for words to explain what I know for myself. That “this” is what I want. Today, the moment, being open and present with my self or with another…this.. at its best. I desire nothing binding or closed handed, nothing with rules or shoulds, or projections, or even a plan. Nothing more than today.
I am sitting in a coffeehouse down the street from my brother’s house. Next to me is a father and son sharing a piece of pie, talking about school and life…another couple in the corner behind me are talking business…the barista is washing dishing…and I am here in this..listening and writing, sharing this space with people I will never know but for in this moment and it is sweet. This is what I want.
I do not live my life irresponsibly or unintelligently…it was implied this weekend that I might just be doing that. I do think about tomorrow, have goals and work towards them. I aspire “to be” something…but I do not sacrifice this moment for the bigger world view of what is suppose to be. I cannot toe the line anymore. I have done that for so many years. I did all the right things, showed up and crossed off the list that society gives you…only to find myself exhausted and lonely. I have since found my way of being in moments of honest conversation with myself and God and those who share their lives with me. I make no excuses; show up only when I know I can; and spend many quiet moments alone. There is nothing else that I desire.