saturday..

The thing with an online journal is that when life sucks I lean towards editing.  I try to stay positive and sound positive, just in case someone might be reading. Heaven forbid I come off sounding depressed or dark. Oh well..today I run the risk

I have a lot to be thankful for…I know that, and I am, truly.  And yet depression grips me out of the blue and I am helpless to stop it.  I fight it. I really do.  I play happy music…I shower and get dressed, trying to find something to wear that makes me feel good.  I’ll do yoga and repeat positive mantras in my head, words that I hope erase what I hear over and over in my mind.  Sometimes I’ll watch something funny on tv or buy myself a treat at the grocery store. And I’ll go for long walks to find something beautiful to hang on to.  But the weather has been bad this past week and I have rarely left the house.  The effort behind my attempts to pull myself out and away from the heaviness is monumental and ultimately feels like an act.  My depression is not a matter of happiness or unhappiness even.  It is a a matter of energy and worth.

What to do? Sink or swim up?  This past week I heard about a surfer who burst his eardrum when he was pummeled by a monster wave.  This threw his equilibrium out of whack instantly and he stayed under water for three waves, a long time, as he struggled to find up.  Eventually he did.  The tide is keeping me under right now, but I will hold my breathe a little longer.  The light comes back and I will swim towards it again..