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saturday..

The thing with an online journal is that when life sucks I lean towards editing.  I try to stay positive and sound positive, just in case someone might be reading. Heaven forbid I come off sounding depressed or dark. Oh well..today I run the risk

I have a lot to be thankful for…I know that, and I am, truly.  And yet depression grips me out of the blue and I am helpless to stop it.  I fight it. I really do.  I play happy music…I shower and get dressed, trying to find something to wear that makes me feel good.  I’ll do yoga and repeat positive mantras in my head, words that I hope erase what I hear over and over in my mind.  Sometimes I’ll watch something funny on tv or buy myself a treat at the grocery store. And I’ll go for long walks to find something beautiful to hang on to.  But the weather has been bad this past week and I have rarely left the house.  The effort behind my attempts to pull myself out and away from the heaviness is monumental and ultimately feels like an act.  My depression is not a matter of happiness or unhappiness even.  It is a a matter of energy and worth.

What to do? Sink or swim up?  This past week I heard about a surfer who burst his eardrum when he was pummeled by a monster wave.  This threw his equilibrium out of whack instantly and he stayed under water for three waves, a long time, as he struggled to find up.  Eventually he did.  The tide is keeping me under right now, but I will hold my breathe a little longer.  The light comes back and I will swim towards it again..

vision

what is beauty
what is poetry
the landscape of inspiration
and energy
where hope is spoken
and words never enough
become enough

I have been trying to be professional, make the time, supply the effort to create.  It is not always easy or productive.  Often it quite the opposite.  But that is how it is with art.  Some days inspiration flows freely, some days it overflows.  And other days…showing up is all I have…no greatness or even good or good enough.  But there are moments when it comes…energy and idea and for those moments I must always be ready.  When my practice becomes my work.  Keep showing up, keep trying…be the professional…clock in everyday and one day I am rewarded.

december is the cruelest month

27 degrees…
of separation
from the memory of warm skin

I am ready for warmer temperatures.

Big Waves

I spent the better part of the afternoon yesterday watching the Eddie Aikau Big Surf Invitational.  It is held at Waimea Beach on the island of Oahu, only when the waves are over 20 feet.  The waves must be consistently big.. all day.  This makes the timing of the event sporadic and spontaneous.  It is also why it has only been held eight times in the last twenty five years.  The last time being in 2004.  Yesterday was beautiful.  The sun was out.  There was a crowd of 30,000..and if you’ve ever been to Waimea, that is an insane amount of people.  But the crowd was transfixed..the waves were huge..the surfers…warriors.  Several of them had won the event in the past, including Clyde Aikau, Eddie’s brother, who is sixty years old. 

The waves got bigger as the day went on.  The announcers kept saying, “that’s the biggest wave of the day.”  And each time it was true.  I am not a surfer.  But I love the water. Love to watch the bravery and skill of these men.  And the respect that they had for each other and those who host the event.  It was a beautiful collaboration.  It was watching the best of people in the best of surroundings with the best of intents and love.  What a gift..

………i am

In a dream last night, I witnessed duality/non duality…I woke to a morning realized  “The real world” was…is.. like a clear template under the world we all believe as real.  The world we see is full of shape and texture, sound and drama, it is all the color in a kaleidoscope.  But the “real world,”( i wish there were a better name…) is what holds this all.  Not a frame, more like a map…it is intention..universal intention..it is love manifesting.

It is not black and white, and stripped of emotion….it is the purest of all color and feeling…it is the most of everything…it is tangible..

it is who we are always…..the me less the filter of bias and pain, memory, and time, expectation, disappointment, and grief, less achievement, attachment, greed, money, appearance, fear and even purpose and happiness.

we wear the colors of our experience on earth
…as if every moment is recorded on our bodies..and in a sense they are..or can be..and we even believe them to be etched upon our souls…but the map of ourselves is untouched by anything…at once a diamond and a mist…once pure, always pure….always love..only love.

to be realized in this world is to remember this…respond with love….to everything..nothing else matters..

if you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough..

Albert Einstein..

..an incomplete list of things I can’t explain simply…....
.politics
.religion
.what some people were thinking
.some of the relationships I am in or have been in previously
.why life can be so hard for me sometimes
.my love for salt
.most everything about cars
.how planes get off the ground
.how planes stay in the air
.why I love imperfect things
.why I need so much time alone
.why, conversely, I struggle with loneliness
.why I look for God
.how I stopped looking for God and found Her anyway
.why people, friends and strangers alike, tell me their secrets
.my preference for lower case letters
.love
.myself

hibernation

I am not
striving
waiting or
looking
for anything
there is
nothing
“out there”
to be found
it is all
“in here”
and I can
be
with that..

I have spent the better part of today of alone. I love being with myself.  It’s funny how so few people believe me.  Many say they understand, but I am not so sure.  This past week a friend of mine was upset that we hadn’t seen each other in some time.  While I explained that I have been very busy as school requires a lot of my attention, and that I have been finding that I require more and more time to myself, he took it personally.  He said that he believed friends made time for each other.  I feel that friends respect the needs of each other.  My soul is in a winter season right now… I cannot help but to go in and under ….to rest and restore. There are others out there like me..we will find each other in the spring.

finding and losing

“finding is losing something else.  I think about, perhaps even mourn, what I lost to find this.”
                                                                                               Richard Brautigan


what is it that I lose
in the finding?
the comfort
of routine
the ease of
familiarity
the self
I have come
to know, in pieces,
and even love
in moments
which is easier?
the finding
or the losing?
i would say
they’re
equally
as…

Tell Me how you do it Ekhart..

in the moment
the peace lasts forever
in the practice
it is just the moment

how to string them together
no longer glimpses of happiness
and calm
but a
a tangible
way of being
always

Does Ekhart Tolle
still have doubts?
And less than perfect
days
when
his routine
doesn’t flow
in an easy,
forgiving rhythm
or is everyday
just like he says
full of the equanimity
that we all can have

tell me how you do it Ekhardt..
tell me how you pay your bills
and not have your feelings hurt..
tell me who stocks your cupboards
and changes your sheets
and who loves you Ekhart?
do you get to feel love
or do you give that up for
the middle place
where nothing is ever too good
or too bad?

tell me how it happened to you again?
How one day you just became
realized..
just one more time
tell me how you do it.

silence

my house is never really quiet
there is always the sound of traffic
or the knock of the
radiator
and the rattle of the windows
And that faucet…
that faucet
upstairs has a voice
like a casino waitress
a hiss really
ujjayi
before the water begins to drip

in the rare pause
when the air
is expectant
my mind
fills the void
really fills it
this is why I must spend
so much time alone
I am waiting
for my mind
to grow weary
like an exhausted child
hoping for the moment
when mind
and world
and house
are quiet
and I
am
with
the silence