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where am I when I’m not here

Took Luka for a nice walk; but while she was sniffing and rolling and ever present, I was lost in my thoughts and moving on auto pilot, unaware and anywhere but where I was.  Perhaps it is the new job.  As a milieu counselor to teens in a residential rehab, I have to be hyper vigilant and focused.  So much is happening at any one minute, and the mood of the floor and the emotions of the boys are always changing…always balancing precariously.  I really do love my job.  But when I get off, my brain turns off.

One might think this is a good thing, and in a sense it can be, but I lose mindfulness.  And today, as I walk the streets of my neighborhood with my dog I saw nothing I remembered.  I felt nothing but tired.

I took a bath after a small dinner, and pondered what had happened.  Where am I when I am not present?  What happens to that time, what happens to me?  I fear that I have lived many years of my life this way, moving with a momentum not my own, scrambling, racing, tired. And to what end? There is a balance to be found in everything.  I would like to be living mindfully most of the time. Knowing that might just make the difference.

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