Posted on August 28, 2010
There are moments in life when everything seems to fall into place. If you are lucky, you know it as it happening and it becomes all the sweeter.
There are also those moments when nothing seems to go your way at all. And the knowing of this seems only to increase the momentum of misfortune.
Then there is the rest of life. The everyday, the waxing and waning of life circumstances and conditions. It is where we are most of the time. Sometimes I call this waiting. I have learned to make the most of my waiting. I have changed the quality of my life by changing the quality of my waiting.
Sometimes this is as simple as talking to guy who pumps your gas or walking home a new way. Sometimes it is choosing to nap outdoors on the lawn in the fresh air or buying the really good yogurt that costs more but that you really like. Sometimes it is choosing accept things as they are without making any judgment about it at all.
A talk with my sister this week has reminded me that I alone effect the quality of my life. Each decision, emotion, reaction, choice is mine to make. While it may be easy to say that I can be influenced, and I have certainly been influenced, ultimately it’s me that decides how I will live.
I have not always remembered this, but today, for whatever reason, I am.
Posted on August 26, 2010
I took the day off yesterday. I wasn’t scheduled to work and instead of filling up my day with chores and even adventure, I took a break. Save for watering the lawn, which required me only to move the sprinkler around the yard, and two walks to the dog park, which I most enjoy, I did nothing. Instead, I read, napped, laid in the sun, sewed a little, practiced yoga (twice), and……no nothing else.
It was lovely. And needed.
Too often even our days off are filled with things we must accomplish. “I feel guilty for doing nothing,” a friend told me yesterday. I often have “rewarded” myself with small bits of free time after hours, days, even weeks of labor. The scales of this trade are often unbalanced. In fact I’ve never known them to be even.
It would be easier if there were some official banker who recorded our efforts in a ledger and then doled out a fair amount of free time in trade. There is no one like this. We must look after ourselves.
Why this is so difficult I am not sure. Self care is a road I discovered accidently once, a long time ago, and have found myself wandering on and off it for years. A few suggestions that have helped me stay on the path are the following:
..learn to say “no”
..enjoy the company of yourself
..sleep is important, allow for it
..eat well, your body and mind and spirit will reward you for this
..laugh often and at yourself
..be kind, to others yes, but especially to yourself
and perhaps most importantly, remember
..no one needs you more than you do..
Posted on August 24, 2010
Thank God for yoga, truly. Thank you to all those yogis before me who practiced and shared and showed the way out of the weight of the mind.
I have been feeling very heavy these days, full of anxiety as well. For the last week I have felt an oppressive anxiety, uncharacteristic anxiety. Tonight at dinner, a friend pointed out that it was likely work. Why I didn’t figure this out sooner is pretty amazing. I guess because I love my job, I didn’t think of it as stressful. But, it is.
I have to say, I only feel relief. A lightbulb moment. And some insight into a cure for me..yoga. Everyday. I am lucky.
Posted on August 22, 2010
I want to return to the time
before my mind believed anything to be true
and live there again
just long enough
to realize the absurdity of what my mind believes now
Once, long long ago, I remember that place, “the land before my mind.” I prayed each night that I might be allowed to go back. Each evening, for most of the years of my childhood I said this prayer. I said these words until they became meaningless ritual and I could no longer understand why I had prayed this at all.
Years later, a session with a gifted healer brought back this memory to me, the prayer came easily again, only I no longer believed in the possibility of its realization.
These days I seem to move between the belief and unbelief, managing my hope and grief on a daily basis. I wonder if others manage their living as I do. Do others remember this place? It is not so much a place, but peace manifest. Sometimes, during meditation or in my dreams I can visit a place like it for a moment and that can sustain me. Other times, I can recall my childhood remembrance with clarity and that is enough.
One day, if I can wait, (though patience is not always my virtue), I believe I will return. It will be my Homecoming.
Posted on August 19, 2010
i have woken up the last two days
and while I can sleep in
i do not
and so I move
and halfway out
today my heart beats quick
last night Luka raced inside, tail between her legs
barking at the dark
this brought me no comfort
“you’re the brave one,” I told her
but sometimes even the dogs are afraid
today i wait for night come
and work to end
so i may slip back into the comfort
of my sheets and down
and try again
to find that rest
Posted on August 15, 2010
The words of Yogi Bhajan resonated as I sat in meditation this evening. Real peace is unshakeable.
Real peace is uneffected..unaffected..it is simply our original state of being, before the mind believed anything at all to be true.
Posted on August 10, 2010
I am taking a 4 week summer school course in figure drawing. My teacher is old school. We draw for four hours straight, save for 2 ten minute break. Yesterday we only had one break. Time seemed to creep by and then fly forward . The class leaves me exhausted, mentally and physically.
This morning, I must tackle my homework. I have two more days to get my portfolio together, memorize the skeleton and be able to draw it accurately, and come up with my hand studies. What I shouldn’t be doing is documenting my procrastination….
I ‘d better get on it.
Posted on August 8, 2010
my time alone is comforting and easy
and sometimes lonely
but alone I can hear my thoughts above all others
even when I don’t particularly want to
and most importantly when I do
today my voice says
“what is real and where are you in this?”
today there is no answer
what is good
and what goodness means
are different beasts
i think I must give up the idea of things meaning anything at all
Posted on August 6, 2010
I saw him in my garden
suspended above the slender orange blossoms
and impossibly quick
only it wasn’t enough
or perhaps I felt it unfair
that I alone should see him
so I retreated, dashing inside to grab my camera
on my return, I discovered he had gone
I have wondered
what it was that pulled me away;
the possibility of capturing time?
or the desire to not be alone
in the beauty of that moment