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falling into place

There are moments in life when everything seems to fall into place.  If you are lucky, you know it as it happening and it becomes all the sweeter.

There are also those moments when nothing seems to go your way at all.  And the knowing of this seems only to increase the momentum of misfortune.

Then there is the rest of life. The everyday, the waxing and waning of life circumstances and conditions.  It is where we are most of the time.  Sometimes I call this waiting.  I have learned to make the most of my waiting.  I have changed the quality of my life by changing the quality of my waiting.

Sometimes this is as simple as talking to guy who pumps your gas or walking home a new way.  Sometimes it is choosing to nap outdoors on the lawn in the fresh air or buying the really good yogurt that costs more but that you really like.  Sometimes it is choosing accept things as they are without making any judgment about it at all.

A talk with my sister this week has reminded me that I alone effect the quality of my life.  Each decision, emotion, reaction, choice is mine to make.  While it may be easy to say that I can be influenced, and I have certainly been influenced, ultimately it’s me that decides how I will live.

I have not always remembered this, but today, for whatever reason, I am.


a few words about self care

I took the day off yesterday.  I wasn’t scheduled to work and instead of filling up my day with chores and even adventure, I took a break.  Save for watering the lawn, which required me only to move the sprinkler around the yard, and two walks to the dog park, which I most enjoy, I did nothing.  Instead, I read, napped, laid in the sun, sewed a little, practiced yoga (twice), and……no nothing else.

It was lovely. And needed.

Too often even our days off are filled with things we must accomplish. “I feel guilty for doing nothing,” a friend told me yesterday.  I often have “rewarded”  myself with small bits of free time after hours, days, even weeks of labor.  The scales of this trade are often unbalanced.  In fact I’ve never known them to be even.

It would be easier if there were some official banker who recorded our efforts in a  ledger and then doled out a fair amount of free time in trade.  There is no one like this.  We must look after ourselves.

Why this is so difficult I am not sure. Self care is a road I discovered accidently once, a long time ago, and have found myself wandering on and off it for years.  A few suggestions that have helped me stay on the path are the following:

..learn to say “no”

..enjoy the company of yourself

..sleep is important, allow for it well, your body and mind and spirit will reward you for this

..laugh often and at yourself kind, to others yes, but especially to yourself

and perhaps most importantly, remember one needs you more than you do..



Thank God for yoga, truly.  Thank you to all those yogis before me who practiced and shared and showed the way out of the weight of the mind.

I have been feeling very heavy these days, full of anxiety as well.  For the last week I have felt an oppressive anxiety, uncharacteristic anxiety.  Tonight at dinner, a friend pointed out that it was likely work.  Why I didn’t figure this out sooner is pretty amazing.  I guess because I love my job, I didn’t think of it as stressful.  But, it is.

I have to say, I only feel relief. A lightbulb moment. And some insight into a cure for  Everyday.  I am lucky.

the land before my mind

I want to return to the time

before my mind believed anything to be true

and live there again

just long enough

to realize the absurdity of  what my mind believes now

Once, long long ago, I remember that place, “the land before my mind.”  I prayed each night that I might be allowed to go back.  Each evening, for most of the years of my childhood I said this prayer.  I said these words until they  became meaningless ritual and I could no longer understand why I had prayed this at all.

Years later, a session with a gifted healer brought back this memory to me, the prayer came easily again, only I no longer believed in the possibility of its realization.

These days I seem to move between the belief and unbelief, managing my hope and grief on a daily basis.  I wonder if others manage their living as I do.   Do others remember this place?  It is not so much a place, but peace manifest. Sometimes, during meditation or in my dreams I can visit a place like it for a moment and that can sustain me. Other times, I can recall my childhood remembrance with clarity and that is enough.

One day, if I can wait, (though patience is not always my virtue), I believe I will return.  It will be my Homecoming.

rest doesn’t come easy

i have woken up the last two days

still tired

and while I can sleep in

i do not

or cannot

and so I move

in dreamstate

halfway in

and halfway out

of awakeness

today my heart beats quick

and unsteady

as if

as if

last night Luka raced inside, tail between her legs

barking at the dark

this brought me no comfort

“you’re the brave one,” I told her

but sometimes even the dogs are afraid

today i wait for night come

and work to end

so i may slip back into the comfort

of my sheets and down

and try again

to find that rest

“Real Peace is Unshakeable”

The words of Yogi Bhajan resonated as I sat in meditation this evening. Real peace is unshakeable.

Real peace is is simply  our original state of being, before the mind believed anything at all to be true.

Figure Drawing

I am taking a 4 week summer school course in figure drawing.  My teacher is old school.  We draw for four hours straight,  save for 2 ten minute break. Yesterday we only had one break.  Time seemed to creep by and then fly forward . The class leaves me exhausted, mentally and physically.

This morning, I must tackle my homework.  I have two more days to get my portfolio together, memorize the skeleton and be able to draw it accurately, and come up with my hand studies.  What I shouldn’t be doing is documenting my procrastination….

I ‘d better get on it.

what is real is in question

my time alone is comforting and easy

and sometimes lonely

but alone I can hear my thoughts above all others

even when I don’t particularly want to

and most importantly when I do

today my voice says

“what is real and where are you in this?”

today there is no answer

only weariness.

what is good

and what goodness means

are different beasts

i think I must give up the idea of things meaning anything at all

hummingbird lost

I saw him in my garden

suspended above the slender orange blossoms

so perfect

and impossibly quick

only it wasn’t enough

or perhaps I felt it unfair

that I alone should see him

so I retreated, dashing inside to grab my camera

on my return, I discovered he had gone

I have wondered

what it was that pulled me away;

the possibility of capturing time?

or the desire to not be alone

in the beauty of that moment