we’re sitting in a Peet’s on Hawthorne, you writing a card to your grandmother
me, thinking about about our talk this morning
the unconventional and yet old school nature of our relationship
moving in together quickly, discovering each other in the routine that is life
I feel lucky that we decided this was a road we’d take
each day I am comforted by your physical presence
your scent and skin
and the way you talk and laugh, and smile with one side of your mouth
they are gravy
thick and salty gravy
I will always be kind to you
I choose that every day
I will always love you
this is not a choice, it just is
always and tangible
a part of me I cannot control
would not want to even if I could
I believe we will never discover all of each other
I am glad about that
much love for you beautiful one..
I quit facebook…again. Social media is a weird thing. I know… this blog is a form of social media. I even post my picture; people could find me and know more about me via this blog than facebook. I can’t quite tell you what the difference is..I only know that I find myself caring more about what people might think of me on fb than I do on this blog. My fb profile is a billboard advertising me..my pictures are evidence of the exciting life I have, the number of friends point to my popularity…I guess. I have found myself in a number of uncomfortable situations because of facebook: misunderstandings, hurt feelings, once I even got into a big argument with my sister over a picture I posted of her. It has been nice to find old friends as well as exchanging pictures with my family. But the cost for me outweighs the benefits. I’m done.
Maybe I’ll take up letter writing again.
Today at work a kid told me I had a “rod stuck up my a**.” I hate to be that crude, but it’s the language of the population I work with. What I did to elicit this lovely comment was ask this kid to vacuum a rug. I know, I know…I was unreasonable. Today I’m believing I may not be cut out for this job.
I love the kids and really want the best for them. Sadly most of them aren’t ready for rehab. Most don’t believe they have a problem to begin with, they’re just biding time, hoping to get off probation. I know how that is. I’ve “bided time” myself..waiting as it were for time to merely pass. I hate to say it.
Sometimes action that seems to hard to hard too take makes us wait. We wait for others to choose for us..wait for things to change, wait for choices to be made for us so we don’t have to feel responsible. We…I..I have done this.
Sometimes habit has me waiting when I should be acting. Sometimes there’s no point to that waiting, none at all, but I do it anyway..practiced and skilled as I am at it. Often I have conversations with myself, more often than is probably good to admit, and I have to remind myself that there is no other time than now. I have come to cringe at the phrase “killing time.” It pains me these days to waste good time. It’s why I usually have a good book or a knitting project at hand, or my camera and sketch book with me. Even with nothing tangible to measure my time with, I will appreciate the quiet. I need the quiet.
Which is why today I reflected on whether or not I can do this job. It is hard these days to clear my mind of the language and chaos of my work. Not too long ago I had to remind myself that the people in life don’t cuss at each other regularly. It just doesn’t happen. Some days the language lingers and plays over and over in my mind and the quiet is hard to hold. I need that peace. Today I found myself agitated and angry. I have been sick for a long while, frustrated at my lack of wellness and wondered if this job is taking a larger toll than I have believed.
This week I will practice finding that quiet.
It’s a beautiful morning. Blue sky and I am home. Unfortunately, I am sick. In fact, I have been sick for almost five weeks now. A persistent and annoying fever and general malaise has been home in my body. Last night I went to bed, a healing mantra circling my brain..”I am healthy and strong.” I awoke stuffy and weak and missed school for the first time ever. I hate missing school.
Perhaps I am pushing too much, trying to accomplish more than I should. I see others who seem to do this successfully. Working and playing, never pausing. I am not one of them. My body needs rest. My soul craves the quiet. I forget who I am sometimes, what it is that I need. Simple things. Time outside. A gentle walk, light, love. I can have these things and nothing else. And I do. And life is sweet and good.
Once long ago, before I had children even, I would day dream of the very simple life I would make for myself. I would have a garden and old but lovely home. I would dry my clothes on the line and make dinner for my lover. It would be perfect.
I have excuses sometimes. This winter has been cold and I have far too far clothes for line drying. There is little light in the Pacific Northwest and one must work hard to pay the taxes on that lovely little property.
Other times, I can see that I am right where I have dreamed. I have these things. I have arrived. Being and doing are different things. I have to see my world with a ‘be-ers’ mind and all is well. Perfect even.
Today, I am taking time to heal. My curtains are open and if I can muster the energy I will head out for a walk with Luka, my beloved dog. My lover is coming home for lunch today. There is nothing else I need.