biding time

Today at work a kid told me I had a “rod stuck up my a**.” I hate to be that crude, but it’s the language of the population I work with.  What I did to elicit this lovely comment was ask this kid to vacuum a rug. I know, I know…I was unreasonable. Today I’m believing I may not be cut out for this job.

I love the kids and really want the best for them.  Sadly most of them aren’t ready for rehab.  Most don’t believe they have a problem to begin with, they’re just biding time, hoping to get off probation.  I know how that is.  I’ve “bided time” myself..waiting as it were for time to merely pass. I hate to say it.

Sometimes action that seems to hard to hard too take makes us wait.  We wait for others to choose for us..wait for things to change, wait for choices to be made for us so we don’t have to feel responsible.  We…I..I have done this.

Sometimes habit has me waiting when I should be acting.  Sometimes there’s no point to that waiting, none at all, but I do it anyway..practiced and skilled as I am at it. Often I have conversations with myself, more often than is probably good to admit, and I have to remind myself that there is no other time than now.  I have come to cringe at the phrase “killing time.”  It pains me these days to waste good time.  It’s why I usually have a good book or a knitting project at hand, or my camera and sketch book with me.  Even with nothing tangible to measure my time with, I will appreciate the quiet.  I need the quiet.

Which is why today I reflected on whether or not I can do this job.  It is hard these days to clear my mind of the language and chaos of my work. Not too long ago I had to remind myself that the people in life don’t cuss at each other regularly.  It just doesn’t happen.  Some days the language lingers and plays over and over in my mind and the quiet is hard to hold.  I need that peace.  Today I found myself agitated and angry.  I have been sick for a long while, frustrated at my lack of wellness and wondered if this job is taking a larger toll than I have believed.

This week I will practice finding that quiet.