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December in Portland

I finished school. Really finished it…as in got a degree finished. I can only say I am relieved.  As much I know that going to college is a privilege, as much as art school is really a luxury, I am relieved.  School stresses me out.  I wish it had been different, that I could have enjoyed it more, but that’s not how it was.

Maybe it was the constant justifying of my going to art school (“yes, art school…what do I intend to do my degree?  Why be an artist of course..”); maybe it was that I am freak around getting a good a grade and not disappointing anyone; maybe it was putting the house on the market and getting married while attending my final quarter of school. I am glad I finished…that’s all I can say.

So it’s the middle of December in Portland now. It’s cold, although not rainy; and I’m not feeling all that Christmasy. I am not feeling all that much of anything but tired and stressed.  I went to mass on Sunday; the sermon made me nostalgic for the passionate and energetic self I have misplaced.  Maybe I’m just getting old.

Chris is off this week, well most of this week.  We didn’t have a honeymoon after the wedding; he went back to work and I went back to school.  Maybe we can honeymoon now.  I think we need a little rest.  And some fun.  I want to laugh; I want to see new things; I want to read and knit and paint…paint just to paint….I want Chris to relax…I want him to write and listen to music and eat well.  I want to see sunshine and take my dog for a walk.I’d really like to see my children, but will have to settle for phone calls and texts.  RJ told me yesterday, “I’m a grown up mom, I live on my own now.” I guess we’re all grown up now.

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