a new way of being

I have been away from home now for nine days. It’s funny how when I’m away from all “my stuff” I realize how truly little I need to be content. I have been reading a good book, I talked and/or texted with my children several times, I even have gone running five days in a row and walked…and walked. There is nothing better for my soul than a good walk. Although one morning out on the water with John, the sea spray hit my face and I felt this innate kinship with the water that I had forgotten somehow. It is home for me as well.

Three days before I left for this trip I sent my youngest child off to college. For the first time in twenty years I am alone. It is hard to get to used to. I find myself focusing on the needs of others, and then tell myself…no…you only need to take care of yourself. I am without obligation to spouse or child and I have to tell you…it is nice. I have slept more in the last week than I have ever have in my life time. Truly. I have gone without sleep for years for a variety reasons, but primarily because I lacked the ability to balance my needs against those those of my family. It was an easy choice and one I would likely make again. But today, no choice needs to be made and I am at once relieved and exhausted…having found myself holding back a flood of tears more than once.
I am wanting to be home…wondering what I can create for myself…wondering who I am alone…who I choose to become…I really do not know who I am anymore. I am the stranger in my own life…the one I am to meet and come to know.

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