Nothing like art school to test one’s self esteem. This morning I’m sitting in my figure drawing class waiting for class to start.. Feeling a little lucky, very a little concerned.
I’ve decided to walk away from my paying job to focus on ‘being an artist.’ At some point I knew this would have to happen; but the truth is my fear of failing has kept me from taking the leap.
Weird circumstances over the weekend had me question my lack of effort at times, the choices I make, and what it is I want. What I want is to be immersed in the creative process.
What I do now is leap.
My semester is almost over. Just one more class, one more test. This has been the least stressful of my semesters so far. Likely because I learned some lessons and tried some new survival techniques. They are as follows:
1. Sleep. Staying up late into the night, reading and working, only leaves a tired student struggling to stay awake and focused the next day. Getting a full night of sleep, left me able to be more productive during the day.
2. Eat. Breakfeast, lunch, and Dinner. Eat well. It’s fuel.
3. Set small goals. Write a little on that paper each day, rather than tackling it all on one day. This really worked well for my studio classes.
4. Honor my limits. I stopped comparing myself to my classmates. I know what I am capable of and I work to that.
5. Remember…this is about learning, not about getting the A. I had to remind myself of that several times.
6. Be grateful. I’m in Art School! How lucky am I!
One more class, one more test…yippee!
woke up this morning
with the immediate desire for
the day to be over…
never a good sign
Sometimes the strangest thoughts pass through my mind and I wonder, “does anyone else think these things?” Today as I walked to the art store, I was once again pondering the meaning of life, my life specifically. I’ve been pondering this too much lately in fact. I think the world of academia is messing with my psyche. I know it is. I have a running conversation in my head about school and what it is that I want out of it, and what it is that my professors want out of me…and which one is really more important.
It’s not just my professors too. It’s everyone who asks me, “what are you going to do with an art degree?” “Well isn’t it obvious? I’m going to be an artist,” I want to say. But I don’t. I just wonder if “they” are right. I wonder what’s so wrong with believing that I can be an artist…. besides the money thing…
If I could list my accomplishments in the “Book of All I Have Done” who would read it anyway. It would just sit on the shelf with billions of identical books…one for every man, woman, and child on this planet. If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I have done enough…I have done enough..