I am not my anxiety
I am more than my physical body.
I am more than my thoughts and memories and ideas of the world.
I am more than my breathe and the shudder in my chest and the tightness in my shoulder. I am none of these.
My body is a shell, a temporary home for what is my unique permanence.
Sometimes I feel as if I am killing myself with my perceptions and my worries
Sometimes I feel hollow.
It comes when I pay attention only to my shell as if it were the whole of me. It is none of me.It is not even skin. It is dressing, an outfit, nothing more.
I tell myself… be brave. be mindful. be patient.
I must remember that all that consumes my thoughts and brings me panic is nothing but smoke and mirror.
Fear begets fear.
Love is greater than fear. Love keeps me safe.
One day I will leave my shell behind and know the expanse of Love.
Not a death but an opening. an awakening.
I must choose love, each day.
put aside resentment.forgive. move on. let go. laugh.
and choose love. choose love. choose love.
Chris and I have been making day trips the last couple of days. First a drive around the NH border of Maine–Bethel,Center Lovell, Fryeburg, then thru North Conway where we watched the US v Ghana soccer game. Today we drove north, skirting the Vermont border and ultimately hitting the Canadian border and back down. Both days were filled with beauty. It seems I think I’ve found the most beautiful spot on earth only to discover yet another beautiful place the next day.
Today in Lancaster I spoke with a shop keeper and we agreed that people can handle the New Hampshire winters because the summers are such a reward.
I’m feel so fortunate to be living here. My soul is at peace in the natural world and I have hit the jackpot.
Mirror Lake loon
Hike at Weeks Park
1. Take your favorite dog on a hike.
2. Have lunch at a place called “Grandma’s Kitchen,” that really does make you feel like you’re at your grandmas’s for dinner.
3. Find a kayak on sale at a place one hour and fifteen minutes closer than the place you were going to go to to buy kayaks.
4. Buy 2 kayaks and actually fit them into your car.
5. Take your maiden voyage in the above kayaks at the lake in your back yard.
6. Get up close to a nesting loon.
7. Get up close to the papa loon.
8. Kayak with the guy (or gal) you love most in the world.
9. Want to be no where else than where you are (THIS IS THE KEY TO HAVING THE PERFECT DAY!!)
10. Meet your lovely neighbors who invite you to “vespers”…their version.
I just had my perfect day.
For the first time since I started my new old job, Chris and I had a weekend off. Okay it was Wednesday and Thursday, but it’s my weekend, and more importantly it was two consecutive days off together. Before that we had one lonely single day off.
It was fantastic.
Wednesday was a day of errands and sleeping. But even that was really nice. I love having Chris home, even when I am essentially not paying any attention to him at all.
On Thursday, we we celebrated the 4th with friends near Hayden Island. I paddle boarded, we cruised the harbor in a little motorboat and had a feast dockside. It was lovely. I was with Chris :).
We headed home before the fireworks and had an early evening in. It was the first time ever I have felt rested and rejuvenated before I headed back to work. This is what people who have normal weekends with their family must feel like.
how might I best show love today?
i wish the couple that
i sold my lovely little house to
would have told me
that they love it
in the end
after all the questionable actions of their realtor
i am left unsettled
at the end of the day
i just wanted to be assured
that my home would be loved
unfair to expect
but true none the less
the candor of the women always surprises me
living on the streets affords little privacy
and it plays out in subtle
and not so subtle ways
is it easier to lay the details of your life wide open
when you have no place to hold your secrets?
or are your secrets hidden so deeply inside
that they are lost even unto you?
what is forgotten and what is told,
what is held back and what is shared,
is the last measure of control
the final dignity
we are the same,
in the beginning
and in the end
and most certainly in between
what divides us
is nothing but our fear
for the women of Rahab’s Sisters and all the women who live in the margins.
it doesn’t matter that my children are grown and out of the house
I love them as fiercely as I did the moment they were born
likely more so
time has polished and sealed my affection
the weight of the world
the unkindness of strangers
and family alike
doesn’t ease as your child grows
it is a constant companion
mothers are never bystanders to their child’s pain
it would be impossible or careless
say what you will
it will not change what is
a child is like a gift that never loses its original wonder
indeed a child is the most wonderful gift of all
In the process of cleaning out my home for the big move, I have come across old journals. Ugh! In them I have found a few pearls, “special only to me” writings that I want to save. I will include them over the few weeks in an effort to preserve some memories..
29 August 1993
On the way to the Park
“That dog looks like Beckett, mommy.”
“but Beckett has more spots,” she says pointing
to her body, “all over his body.”
“yes honey, and he had more hair too”
“I miss Beckett mommy”
she lays on the sidewalk and puts her head down
“I miss Kimmy too”
“I miss Kimmy too Dev, I’ll tell her you miss her next time I write”
“I’m sad mommy
I want my name to be Kimmy.”