it doesn’t matter that my children are grown and out of the house
I love them as fiercely as I did the moment they were born
likely more so
time has polished and sealed my affection
the weight of the world
the unkindness of strangers
and family alike
doesn’t ease as your child grows
it is a constant companion
mothers are never bystanders to their child’s pain
it would be impossible or careless
say what you will
it will not change what is
a child is like a gift that never loses its original wonder
indeed a child is the most wonderful gift of all
In the process of cleaning out my home for the big move, I have come across old journals. Ugh! In them I have found a few pearls, “special only to me” writings that I want to save. I will include them over the few weeks in an effort to preserve some memories..
29 August 1993
On the way to the Park
“That dog looks like Beckett, mommy.”
“but Beckett has more spots,” she says pointing
to her body, “all over his body.”
“yes honey, and he had more hair too”
“I miss Beckett mommy”
she lays on the sidewalk and puts her head down
“I miss Kimmy too”
“I miss Kimmy too Dev, I’ll tell her you miss her next time I write”
“I’m sad mommy
I want my name to be Kimmy.”
because it’s Valentine’s Day and because I have the best husband ever
1. He’s a good man; and being a good man is important to him.
2. He’s funny. Smart funny; not mean funny.
3. He plays the guitar really well.
4. He makes breakfasts.
5. He loves me soooooo much
6. He likes to read
7. He’s a very good writer.
8. He’s a very good teacher.
9. He works hard.
10. He always does the right thing.
11. He’s very very handsome. (Lest you think I think looks are most important, I put this at #11)
12. He’s generous.
13. He is always kind to me,
14. He will go out at odd hours to buy me chips or chocolate.
15. He likes my cooking and tells me so.
16. He likes my eccentricities.
17. He never teases.
18. He’s artistic.
19. He’s ridiculously smart
20. He’s romantic
21. He’s a door opener and holder without exception.
22. He makes a very good cup of coffee.
23. He appreciates me and tells me so regularly.
24. He loves babies.
25. He loves my dog, even though he doesn’t love dogs really.
26. He has the softest skin ever!
27. He dresses very nicely every day. (He wears a watch!)
28. He’s a very good snuggler
29. He’s a good tipper
30. He wants the best things for me.
I love my husband impossibly much, I do. And I consider myself very lucky.
Jack and Nora
I found this picture recently of grandparents. It’s a picture I had never seen before; I have no idea where it was taken, only that it was taken in 1972.
I love it; and them. They both passed several years ago. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about them. My grandmother is the one who taught me to crochet and started my life long love of yarn and fiber crafts. My grandpa was a character, always up for some adventure. I remember once going up to New Hampshire; he begged me to take him, even though I knew he’d hate it. A remote house in the wilderness with no tv was not my grandpa’s idea of fun. We were there maybe an hour and half when he asked to go home. He stuck it out for two days…then I drove him back to Connecticut, stopping in every other New England state along the way to buy lottery tickets.
I didn’t see my grandparents regularly as a kid; one of things I would change about my childhood. The time I did get to spend with them was always fun and easy…nothing ever phased my grandmother. I most loved watching them together; he always called her “Mother” and she always called him “Dad.” I miss them both so very much.
In a time of great despair in my life, I was offered kindness and support by an unlikely ally. She was one of only a few who decided to put aside judgment and simply offer love. May my heart be as open as hers.
Good bye 2011..
You were a good year, the year I got married and graduated school. In fact just a few posts ago I made a list of all of the good things about you. Sometimes at the end of a year, one believes it is necessary to go out with a big bang. Chris and I tried just that. We headed out with the idea of hitting the town. Instead, we hit two places, had a total of three drinks between the two us and a plate of wings and sliders and headed home. Some years are like that. Not a lot of fan fare.
2011 was a salt of the earth year. A year one plods through, with good intentions and a lot of effort. I will always look back most fondly at this year, as it was “Our First Year” and it it doesn’t get much sweeter than that.
Modigliani...Gypsy Woman with Baby..at the National Gallery, Washington DC
in no particular order…
1. got married 🙂
in our church and had a lovely reception at the Podkrepa
2. graduated college
3. went to Washington DC
4. went wine tasting in a school bus
5. visited Crater Lake
6. had a painting get accepted into a show
7. went to the coast for Valentine’s
8. took many many, walks with my beloved around the city; some of them very long walks..
9. went on the tram by OHSU
10. threw a great dinner party in our living room
11. watched fire works from the City Grill
12. went to San Francisco and visited family
13. saw those cool jelly fish at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
14. taught yoga
15. learned how to screen print
16. went to Livingroom Theater many times and saw many movies
17. saw the Christmas lights at Peacock Lane
18. spun wool
19. knitted a shrug
20. went to the lovely 50th Anniversary party of Bob and Sylvia and danced with my husband
21. Autumn Supper at the Andersons
22. had mimosas at brunch at Jake’s
23. in fact..I’ve enjoyed many of Portland’s eateries..
24. run with Luka
26. I’ve painted
27. and made books
28. made lovely dinners for my husband
29. went to a U of O football game
30. watched my step son play high school football
31. went to many art shows
32. celebrated Emily’s birthday in her backyard
33. rode my bike to work
34. helped decorate my church for Christmas and hung out afterwards
35. hosted an adult Formation mtg at my house
36. ate soup with good people at Tamara’s house
37. planted kiwi
38. had my house painted
39 …and my oil tank decommissioned
40. cleaned out my closets
41. made mulled wine
42. read a book, finally!! in fact I read several
43. recovered cpb’s iPhone from a homeless man
44. hosted Thanksgiving dinner
45. played bocce at the Trunz’s
46. and enjoyed fondue at their house too
47. went to two parties at Roxanne’s and Johnny’s
48. played trivia..and even won a few times
49. took many baths
50. went to a BBQ at Mike B’s
51. grew vegetables in my garden..and ate them
52. ate homemade icecream..cpb made it
53. rode on the scooter with cpb all over town
54. ordered pizza at a tiny airport on the Oregon coast
55. spent time with my grown children
56. bought a camera took many photographs
………57. published my 400th post on wordpress
I finished school. Really finished it…as in got a degree finished. I can only say I am relieved. As much I know that going to college is a privilege, as much as art school is really a luxury, I am relieved. School stresses me out. I wish it had been different, that I could have enjoyed it more, but that’s not how it was.
Maybe it was the constant justifying of my going to art school (“yes, art school…what do I intend to do my degree? Why be an artist of course..”); maybe it was that I am freak around getting a good a grade and not disappointing anyone; maybe it was putting the house on the market and getting married while attending my final quarter of school. I am glad I finished…that’s all I can say.
So it’s the middle of December in Portland now. It’s cold, although not rainy; and I’m not feeling all that Christmasy. I am not feeling all that much of anything but tired and stressed. I went to mass on Sunday; the sermon made me nostalgic for the passionate and energetic self I have misplaced. Maybe I’m just getting old.
Chris is off this week, well most of this week. We didn’t have a honeymoon after the wedding; he went back to work and I went back to school. Maybe we can honeymoon now. I think we need a little rest. And some fun. I want to laugh; I want to see new things; I want to read and knit and paint…paint just to paint….I want Chris to relax…I want him to write and listen to music and eat well. I want to see sunshine and take my dog for a walk.I’d really like to see my children, but will have to settle for phone calls and texts. RJ told me yesterday, “I’m a grown up mom, I live on my own now.” I guess we’re all grown up now.
One week after Chris and I were married, we attended the Annual Autumn Supper at Mike and Tina Anderson’s lovely home outisde of Vancouver. This was my second year attending the beautiful dinner. Last year when I went with Chris, we had just started dating. This year, we were married.
The dinner was wonderful, served family style around a long table, you can see the picture above. Many of the people in attendance had been there last year, some have been there many times, as Mike and Tina have been hosting these dinners for many years.
It was really a sweet evening; a time for gratitude and family and friends. Children from last year were older and a little bigger. It’s important to stop and enjoy our days. Too many days we rush around, failing notice what we have and who we share our lives with.
Thank you Mike and Tina for slowing us down…
Photography by Red Door Studio
These are just a few of my favorite photos from our lovely day…okay maybe more than a few..